The past year–maybe two–I have been in an interesting spiritual season. I’ve been struggling through the same chronic health problems that I’ve had for several years, but which have recently moved me from emotional tedium and annoyance into restlessness and desperation. Something has to change, I realized. If not my circumstances then me; and this, we all know, is the more difficult part. The natural movement of transformation comes from the inside out–God changes the heart, and fresh actions flow out of the new creation.

This is an excellent pattern, but I found myself asking, “Okay God, my heart has changed [I am trusting God with my illness joyously], but I am so tired–now what?” And in my desperation for something new, He began leading me in something completely backward from my expectations: to focus on my outside, so that my inside can catch up to what my heart is already doing. Essentially: to live sincerely in the vision of who I am (an act of faith–of manifesting the spiritual reality through my outer reflection).

There is a longer part of the story that I will skip over briefly: I dreamed prophetically, then realized, that when life became physically uncomfortable, I stopped being the fullness of myself. I’ve still been connected with God–maybe more than ever; I’m still involved in all sorts of things; but the way I have approached my life has been…confused. Namely, I began unknowingly hindering myself with my inner dialog, focusing on my limitations (which are there) instead of on the numerous freedoms I have in other areas. The Lord has begun to teach and remind me who He has created me to be–among the surprises, I remembered that I am an extrovert!

This is still a new and ongoing process for me. The essence is that I am focusing on making my physical appearance look as if I am healthy: taking time to do my hair, and make-up, to wear accessories, and to dress myself in colors, patterns, textures, and shapes that naturally express an outgoing and fiery movement in alignment with my natural disposition. For instance, I am tough, so I should wear fabric that is tough to remind myself and reflect that attitude. I strive on completing projects and reaching solutions swiftly, so I should dress in quick, swift, patterns that reveal this movement and essence. I am sharp, fiery, and resilient, so I should dress myself in a way that reflects my inner disposition.

I have only been doing this for about a week, yet so far I already feel like a whole different person. My blood sugar levels and other problems have remained, but they have not squashed me into a lethargic, mopey, emotional mess. Rather, I have been accomplishing more, and having more joy doing it–simply by observing and asking God to reveal the inside of me, and then dressing myself on the outside in a physical expression of those truths and traits.

I’ve been very sick for a few weeks now, and it was so bad when it started that I couldn’t imagine what could be ‘wrong’ with me.  By the second week of pain and nauseousness, I decided to spend a day fasting and praying to draw closer to God, because I thought I experiencing the physical manifestations of a spiritual attack (this does happen to me sometimes).  But that night, I had continuous dreams about being pregnant and knew it to be true.  One pregnancy test and a doctor’s visit later it’s confirmed: we’re going to be parents!  My husband and I are excited! 🙂

That said, it’s been a difficult first trimester.  I’ve spent nearly all my time lately either on our couch or bed–or floor, in a few rougher moments.  And I’m practically never sick, so not ‘functioning’ like this has been difficult and shocking to me.  I’ve done almost no reading, no researching, no meeting of people, no writing (even to journal), hardly any eating (though this is improving slowly)… It’s been a new and exciting uphill journey.

My joy level, fortunately, has been fairly high, so I don’t want it to sound as if this first trimester has been terribly awful.  In fact, with so many of my normal activities on hold, I’ve been able to spend many uninterrupted hours with the Lord in pure intercession and worship: singing a great deal in the Spirit, and marveling at the miracle going on in my body.  I’ve also felt closer to my family than ever–though we’ve always been a pretty tight-knit group.  These are definitely precious times, despite the constant nausea and physical pains.  I even think I feel the Lord more powerfully when pain allows me to cry more desperately to know and experience Him.